(Are you treating your loved ones right? first appeared in an October 2014 print edition of the Public Opinion Newspaper.)
Are you treating your loved ones right
? Dr. Robin Witmer-Kline, licensed professional counselor at Keystone Behavioral Health in Chambersburg, discusses four patterns that can destroy love in our relationships.
Four Major Problems
Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says four actions can cause problems for couples—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. How we talk to our spouse can dramatically affect our relationship. Remember, all relationships take patience, compassion, love, commitment, and determination to work. Here are examples of negative actions and what to do instead.
Not constructive criticism
Criticism is when we verbally attack our partner in a very negative way. This happens because often times, people fail to understand the difference between a legitimate complaint, such as wanting something to change, rather than a criticism of wanting someone to change. Phrasing our message in the form of a complaint instead of a criticizing our loved one is important.
Contempt in your tone
Contempt is extensive verbal criticism to our loved one that shows disrespect, sarcasm, and often use of body language such as eye rolls or heavy sighs. Showing contempt looks and sounds like, “You think you do everything right? Hah (eye roll and head shake)!” Instead, try to communicate your feelings calmly, even if you’re angry. Say, “I feel angry when you criticize me like you just did. It hurt my feelings.”
On the Defense
Defensiveness is battling every part of the argument or complaint with your partner. Those on the defense refuse to agree when constructively criticized, even if the other person has a valid point. Instead of arguing when your spouse says you spend too much, try agreeing with your partner. Say, “Yes, I didn’t stick to our budget this month. Let’s agree to talk about purchases that aren’t included in our budget.”
Don’t stonewall your spouse
Stonewalling is shutting down, not talking, ignoring or withdrawing from the other person. This silent treatment communicates non-verbal contempt. This is different from taking a healthy break where both parties agree to take time by themselves for reflection. Stonewalling shows the other person they don’t deserve communication while taking a short break communicates a willingness to work through problems.
For more information about Keystone Behavioral Health, click here.
